it’s gonna storm

From 8/3/07

sometimes the weeds in the river entangle
my body
the river is so low and hot like it
should never be and the tall weeds touch
the surface all the way out to the middle
looking at me hating themselves for
being so exposed and for scaring me and
for the thought that they could ever
hurt me: tear my body down into the
blood water
sometimes the neighbors below my window
laugh and laugh and the radio is so
loud it smothers me
the sound of the fan blowing hot air smothers
me
my whole body is an electric buzz
tingling, buzzing like a refrigerator
the refrigerator that keeps nothing cold
and melts the cheese
my body temperature is below normal
that is sick something sick
I don’t want to be a high school
sports reporter in Northern Maine
I am only one huge beating heart
murmuring heart
uneven beating
I am only a dream
I am only dreaming
my body a shell a heart
with nothing inside
my soul gone dreaming
left this sticky mess
sometimes the only place to go is
the doctor’s, tell her my problems and
she laughs and writes me prescriptions
for medications that don’t exist
I say can you subscribe something?
As if magazines
I say can you find me a good
job and a healthy life
I need to live on ice
I need to drink ice water
tap water tastes like blood
sometimes just walking by to my apartment
the Aroostook County boy neighbors get
me so high I laugh and laugh and
laugh until my soul leaves
and tell stories about jobs I’m going
to have and lives I’m going to live
and wake up in the morning and
realize they were crazy lies

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